How to Build Deeper Love Connections: Jay Shetty's Guide to Moving Beyond Surface-Level Dating

TL;DR

• Love is a marathon, not a sprint - rushing leads to settling for less than you deserve
• Ask two crucial questions early: "How do you show love?" and "What do you need when you're sad?"
• High standards should ground you in what's important, not build walls that prevent connection
• Every dating experience prepares you for your ideal partner - there's no "wasted time"
• Accepting someone means feeling their love language; settling means staying when you don't
• Healing from heartbreak happens when you stop obsessing over "getting over" someone
• Authentic connection requires showing up as your complete self, not a diminished version

What is Deeper Love Connection? A relationship built on understanding how your partner expresses and receives love, combined with patience to let authentic connection develop naturally rather than forcing instant gratification. — Jay Shetty

The Modern Dating Paradox: Why We're Rushing Into Mediocrity

In our instant-gratification culture, we've turned love into a sprint when it should be approached as a marathon. This fundamental misunderstanding is destroying our ability to form meaningful connections and causing us to settle for relationships that don't truly fulfill us.

Jay Shetty observes that when we rush connection, "I may settle for something less than I deserve." This isn't just about timing—it's about the entire mindset we bring to dating. When someone asks what he wishes he could tell his younger self about love, Shetty emphasizes: "You're not behind. You're not slow. You're not late. Don't try to rush connection. It's not something that moves fast."

The pressure to find "the one" quickly creates a scarcity mindset that makes us lower our standards or ignore red flags. We start evaluating people based on superficial criteria and making hasty decisions about compatibility. This approach backfires because genuine connection requires time to develop trust, understand each other's communication styles, and see how someone behaves consistently across different situations.

What makes this particularly challenging is that we're surrounded by success stories of people who "just knew" immediately. But Shetty reframes this narrative entirely: "Every experience, every moment, every interaction I've been through was preparing me for the person that I was meant to be with." This perspective transforms every dating experience from potential "failure" into valuable preparation.

The marathon mindset means accepting that building a deep connection involves patience, observation, and gradual revelation. It means being willing to invest time in getting to know someone beyond their dating profile persona. Most importantly, it means trusting that "the best will definitely be saved for last" rather than panicking that you're running out of time or options.

The Two Questions That Transform Dating: Understanding Love Languages and Emotional Needs

Most dating advice focuses on what to avoid or red flags to watch for, but Shetty advocates for a more proactive approach: asking the right questions early to understand compatibility at a fundamental level.

Question 1: "How Do You Show Love?"

This question cuts through surface-level attraction and gets to the core of relationship compatibility. Shetty explains: "You're going to figure out very quickly whether you like the way that person shows love. And if they've told you how they show love and you can't receive or feel or accept love that way, then they're just not the right person for you."

The beauty of this question is that it reveals both giving and receiving patterns. Someone might show love through acts of service—always showing up when you need them, handling practical problems, or anticipating your needs. But if your love language is words of affirmation, you might completely miss these expressions of care because they don't register as "love" to you.

Shetty shares a common scenario: "I've met so many people who are like, I love her. I don't get why she doesn't get it. Like, I don't get it. Like, how does she not know I love her? I always show up. I always turn up. I'm always there when she needs me." The disconnect happens because "that person never asked you how you show love, and you never ask them."

Question 2: "What Do You Need When You're Sad?"

The second crucial question addresses how people handle difficult emotions and what kind of support they need during challenging times. This question prevents countless misunderstandings and resentments that develop when partners try to help but do it in ways that don't actually help.

Shetty describes the common pattern: "Usually when someone's sad or having a bad day or having a rough time, we go into fix it mode. And we do all these things. We'll mold ourselves, we'll cancel plans, we'll change our schedule. We're like, look, I showed up for you. And that person's like, I just needed a hug."

This mismatch creates a double problem. The person trying to help feels unappreciated despite their significant efforts, while the person who's struggling doesn't get the support they actually need. Over time, this builds resentment on both sides.

Support Style	What It Looks Like	When It Backfires
Fix-It Mode	Offering solutions, changing schedules, taking action	When person just needs emotional validation
Space-Giving	Stepping back, allowing processing time	When person needs active comfort and presence
Emotional Support	Listening, validating, physical comfort	When person needs practical help or solutions
Distraction	Planning activities, trying to cheer up	When person needs to process their emotions first

The key insight is that emotional support isn't one-size-fits-all, and assuming what someone needs based on what you would want is a recipe for disappointment.

Key Insight:

"Don't make me guess. I don't want to guess. And I don't want you to guess... Just tell me how to be with you when you're sad and you're having a rough day because we're going to have many of those." — Jay Shetty

Distinguishing Between Standards and Walls: The Settling vs. Accepting Dilemma

One of the most challenging aspects of modern dating is knowing when you're maintaining healthy standards versus when you're creating barriers to connection. Shetty provides a framework for understanding this crucial distinction.

When Standards Become Walls

Healthy standards guide your choices, but when they become too rigid, they transform into walls that prevent genuine connection. Shetty identifies several warning signs:

You don't give second chances for poor first impressions. First meetings are often awkward, and people don't always show their best selves when nervous. If your standards require someone to be perfect immediately, you're likely missing out on great connections.

Your standards make you fear connection itself. When you're so focused on avoiding "settling" that you become afraid of getting close to anyone, your standards have become counterproductive.

You look down on others from your standards. Shetty makes this point beautifully: "Your standards are not meant to make you tower over others. They're meant to ground you in what's really important to you."

The Real Test: Can You Feel Their Love?

The ultimate test of whether you're settling or accepting comes down to emotional resonance. Shetty provides a clear framework: "Ask them, how do you show love? And if what they say, you feel it, you experience it, you believe it, then it doesn't matter. They may show it in a different way than what you expected. But if you don't feel it, you don't believe it, it doesn't connect and resonate with you, then it doesn't really matter whether you're settling or whether you're meeting expectations. They're just not the right person."

This approach shifts the focus from external checklists to internal experience. Someone might not match your ideal on paper, but if you genuinely feel loved and appreciated by them, that's acceptance. Conversely, someone might check all your boxes, but if their way of showing love doesn't register with you emotionally, staying would be settling.

The Grounding Effect of Healthy Standards

When standards are working properly, they ground you in your values rather than elevating you above others. They help you recognize what's truly important versus what's superficial preference. They guide you toward compatibility rather than perfection.

Healthy standards also evolve as you grow and learn more about yourself and relationships. They're flexible enough to accommodate different expressions of the same underlying values while remaining firm on core non-negotiables.

Breaking Free from Heartbreak: The Paradox of Letting Go

Healing from past relationships is often a prerequisite for building new ones, but most people approach this process in ways that actually prolong their suffering. Shetty shares a profound insight about the paradoxical nature of moving on.

The Obsession Trap

Shetty recounts a conversation with a friend who spent years trying to get over his ex-wife: "For the last two three years all he's tried to do is get over his wife... He's been trying everything possible, everything under the sun to get over his wife, his ex-wife, and to move on."

This friend was stuck in what Shetty calls the obsession trap—constantly thinking about "the good times, kept thinking about all my mistakes, kept thinking about everything that went wrong, kept thinking about what I could have done, should have done, might have done, would have done."

The mental loop becomes self-perpetuating. The more you focus on "getting over" someone, the more mental energy you invest in them, which keeps them present in your thoughts and emotions.

The Liberation of Acceptance

The breakthrough came when his friend stopped fighting the process: "The moment that I accepted that I may never get over her was the moment I was free." This seems counterintuitive, but it works because it breaks the resistance pattern.

Shetty explains the underlying principle: "What we resist persists. Anything that we're trying to avoid, we almost attract it. We bring it back into our lives." When you're constantly trying to push away thoughts and feelings about someone, you're actually giving them more power and presence in your life.

Accepting that you might always have some feelings about a significant relationship paradoxically reduces the emotional charge around those feelings. You stop wasting energy on an impossible goal and can redirect that energy toward building something new.

The Natural Process of Mental Renewal

Shetty offers another powerful insight about how the mind naturally processes old experiences: "The mind naturally dissolves old memories when we make new ones. The mind forgets the old path we used to walk when you chose a new path to walk."

He uses the analogy of changing your route to work: "If you had one way that you went to work, the first couple of days, if you tried a new route, it was a bit weird for the brain. But now that you've been taking that new route for 10 years you forgot about the old one it just went away."

This suggests that healing happens through replacement, not elimination. Instead of trying to erase the past, you create new experiences that gradually take up more mental and emotional space.

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Key Insight:

"You don't leave something behind by waiting for it. Most of the time what we're trying to let go of is going to dissolve on its own accord in its own time at its own pace and we shouldn't wait for that to be over to move forward because you could be waiting forever." — Jay Shetty

Authentic Connection in a Surface-Level World

The challenge of finding depth in modern dating culture goes beyond apps and instant gratification. It requires a fundamental shift in how you show up and what energy you bring to potential connections.

The Depth Beneath the Surface

Shetty challenges the common assumption that certain places or cultures are inherently shallow: "I've always believed that people are deeper than we think, better than we think, kinder than we believe, and have more to offer than meets the eyes."

This belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you approach people assuming they have depth and value, you're more likely to discover it. When you assume everyone is superficial, you'll interact in ways that only access surface-level qualities.

Shetty shares his experience moving to Los Angeles, a city often criticized for being shallow: "I can honestly say, I've been able to attract some incredible friends here, amazing people that are born and raised here, that are from in and around the area. And the truth is, because I think I'm very clear about who I am."

The Mirror Effect of Authenticity

Authenticity has a magnetic quality that draws out authenticity in others. Shetty explains: "I'm not trying to be something else... what happens is you allow someone to reflect that back to you."

The opposite is also true: "When we make ourselves smaller, when we make ourselves less than, when we make ourselves come down to another level, then naturally that's all anyone can meet."

This creates a crucial question for anyone struggling with shallow connections: Are you showing up as your full self, or are you presenting a diminished version of who you are?

The Completeness Principle

Perhaps the most powerful insight Shetty offers about authentic connection is this: "How can you be half yourself and find someone complete? It's not possible."

This principle applies to every aspect of dating:

• Values: If you hide or downplay your core values to seem more appealing, you'll attract someone who isn't actually compatible with who you really are.

Interests: Pretending to like things you don't or hiding things you love creates a foundation of deception.

Personality: Suppressing aspects of your personality to avoid conflict or judgment means the person falling for you isn't falling for the real you.

Goals: Being vague about your life direction or pretending your goals don't matter prevents finding someone who can genuinely support your aspirations.

The completeness principle requires courage because it means risking rejection. But Shetty argues this risk is necessary: "Let me be who I am and let me find the person who matches me, right? I don't need to lower myself. I don't need to shrink myself and I don't need to belittle myself."

How to Apply These Principles in Your Dating Life

1. Shift Your Timeline Expectations

Stop treating dating like a race with a finish line. Approach each interaction as an opportunity to practice authentic connection rather than a test for "the one." Give relationships time to develop before making major decisions about compatibility.

2. Ask the Two Essential Questions Early

Within the first few meaningful conversations, ask: "How do you show love?" and "What do you need when you're sad?" Pay attention not just to their answers, but to how they respond to you asking these questions. Someone who's thoughtful and engaged with these topics is more likely to build a conscious relationship.

3. Practice Receiving Different Love Languages

If someone shows love through actions but you prefer words, challenge yourself to notice and appreciate their actions before assuming they don't care. Similarly, communicate your own love language clearly rather than expecting them to guess.

4. Evaluate Your Standards Regularly

Periodically examine whether your standards are helping you find compatibility or creating unnecessary barriers. Ask yourself: "Are these standards grounding me in what matters, or are they making me look down on others?"

5. Show Up Completely

Resist the urge to be whoever you think they want you to be. Share your real interests, values, and goals. Express your authentic personality, including quirks and imperfections. The right person will appreciate your completeness.

6. Focus Forward, Not Backward

If you're healing from past relationships, put energy into creating new experiences rather than trying to eliminate old memories. Take action toward building the life and relationships you want rather than waiting until you feel "ready."

Key Insight:

True connection happens when two complete people choose to build something together, not when two incomplete people try to fill each other's gaps.

Common Mistakes That Block Deeper Connection

The Fix-It Response

When someone shares a problem or feels sad, the automatic response is often to solve it. This prevents emotional intimacy and can make the other person feel unheard. Practice asking "Do you want advice or do you want me to listen?" before jumping into solution mode.

The Guessing Game

Many people believe that if someone really loves them, they'll intuitively know what they need. This romantic notion causes unnecessary suffering. Clear communication about needs and preferences is a sign of maturity, not a lack of romance.

The Perfection Timeline

Expecting someone to show their best self consistently from day one sets unrealistic expectations. Everyone has off days, awkward moments, and areas of growth. Judge consistency over time rather than isolated incidents.

The Comparison Trap

Constantly comparing new people to ex-partners or idealized versions of potential partners prevents you from seeing someone clearly. Each person and relationship is unique and should be evaluated on its own merits.

By understanding these principles and applying them consistently, you can move beyond surface-level dating toward the kind of deep, authentic connections that truly fulfill both partners. The key is patience with the process, clarity about what matters, and courage to show up as your complete self.

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This article was created from video content by Jay Shetty. The content has been restructured and optimized for readability while preserving the original insights and voice.